A blog about everything!

This blog was supposed to be about my movie watching style. But the darned blogger dashboard... I forgot the points I had in mind.

This blog will now be about what the heck is wrong.

Its easy when anyone would talk to me about what is happening with their lives (yeah, that sounds like a love-guru in the making, but believe whatever you want to). In such cases, I just have to say anything that sounds positive and just yap on to the next best topic with some relief. Pardon the brutal tone of the sentence. Right now, I have a lot in my head! 

When it is you who has a problem, you just wish there was someone else out there who would listen to you like how you would and just blabber how you would have done. The me that would listen just has to listen for some time and talk a little bit. The me thats got a problem will feel all happy about being actually able to tell everything to someone and be satisfied with the solution provided by the listening me. Now why can't that be done in the first place? Because, I am just ONE person!!! 

I have a problem. I admit that today hoping no one reads this and also hoping everyone reads this. I can be pretty sadistic at times. If you know me long enough, you have the right to know. If you don't, well who cares.

The problem that was supposed to be told in the last paragraph but somehow slipped my mind and still hasn't reached a point of dispersal is that... well, obviously, I don't trust you.

I don't trust anyone. I can safely say that of all the people I interact regularly (on a daily, hourly, minutely basis) NONE of them know me. Yes. That includes you. 

Why? You might ask. Well, I don't trust you, but I'll give the reason out anyway. 

I think its my life and no one has the right to know about anything in it unless I think you can. 

There are different kinds of people. I don't really believe in the whole "family" thing, so I'll skip it. Friends, some others are called. Friends are nothing but some random people that you talk to more than the other regular people. Some random people that you meet at random points in your life and think you have some things in common with them. Some more than the others. Hence there are those subsets - Good friends, close friends, best friends, timepass friends and watever other sorts there are. You tell them some things, they laugh. They tell you some things, you react appropriately. Thats all there is to it! When there is nothing to be done, you use these people. You plan out trips, not because you want to spend some exclusive time with them, (you do that everyday anyway) but because you want to be somewhere. Because your adventurous self wants to go far off high on a really big mountain at dawn and smell in the fog filled air and just look around at the world below, the little villages and the dense forests with little trees and feel that you are after all, *something* in this world. The same world that is filled with other selfish and rather weird human beings that you don't connect to or don't care much. But when up there in that warm jacket still wearing that travel bag, as you sit on that mud pile not bothering about how dirty your pants are going to get, you feel you are above them all. You have no one to answer to or for and you can just be finally relaxed! 

I don't trust you for a very simple reason. NO ONE LIVES UP TO IT. Tried and tested?, you ask? Hell Yeah! I've had my share of rotten experiences. Yes, you might be one of them. 

There are times in life when you are tempted to say exactly what you think of a particular situation and what has happened before, what is happening now. When you start that, you have to know, you are in trouble! This new person ends up knowing one or some of your secrets. No, these need not necessarily be used against you some time but there will be times when you want to do it again. Next time you are faced with the situation again or anything similar to the one exposed, you will be tempted to do the same - talk to the new person and just clear your head off. The new person becomes something like a necessity in your life, almost similar to a bad addiction. But then, the new person has a life too. Thats the saddest part of it all. You are not as high priority a person as you thought you were. Life gives no second chances. People don't give more than five. Go more than five and you are just a bore. Some new persons might have lower resistance, lower similar-situation-count level. 

Now you start reminiscing how oh so good it was and how it has become! And start searching for a newer person who you think resembles the old new person and think may be... just may be this is what you finally need in life. Thats when you lose it. You are now officially dependant on some random stranger you met at a random point in your life and under random circumstances, you found random similarities and common interests... all of this for what? Come on, a little clearing off your head needs.

You only wish good. You have nothing wrong in your mind. You mean no harm. Just a few words and some time from someone else's life. But, thats risking everything you have right now. I am fine doing my own thinking. I am fine taking the responsibility of my own life. I am fine with my own decisions however good or bad they might end up to be. I am fine NOT talking about my personal life every single waking minute. I am fine cracking (the fast-degrading) good for nothing jokes about life and its problems. I am fine being sarcastic. I am fine not having an opinion about everything thats thrown at me. I am fine being me. And being me is just what I can do. 

I don't know me enough to say, 'Well... THIS is me!' You need not bother. Get a life. And stay out of mine. 

If you are still reading this, the following might be pretty confusing. 

I don't have a problem with my friends. No. They are fine. 

I always segregate things that can be told to one person. I give each person limits. You shall not be told about some things at all but a some others are OK. (Do I have so much to talk about? May be I do, May be I don't.) When these get mixed up, when some of them start expecting more out of me, I end up taking the frustration on a blog like this and more importantly, I tend to lose the whole "thing" for that person. If you don't know this, ... well, now you do. There have been very very rare cases of limitlessness, almost all, I now think were a waste of time. No one is just good, and I am not different. I expect nothing.

~ The End.

Scoop 'er up, eh?

It was a peaceful place. Situated on top of a mountain, you could see the whole world. But that was not what it was meant to do. It was for the rehabilitation of mentally disturbed people. I was there as a volunteer to help the institute. It was run by a set of saadhus who used very traditional methods to cure them. I met her in the first few days that I was there. Though she was very disturbed, she told me her last wish.

"Jeev, when I die, I wish to be buried where I belong. Please let me have this one wish", she pleaded. It was obvious she was missing home and her family. But she was somehow forced to stay here. And she now preferred to be called by her middle name, Jean. Not many knew who she was. And she died the same way. I now had to take her back to the other end of the world. I couldn't. I wrapped her in a white cloth and left her there. I climbed down the rough mountain and back home on that cold night, never to return again.

Many years had passed between now and then. I was at home today chatting with a friend on yahoo chat. We were playing the secrets game. When it was my turn to tell a secret that I had not told anyone, I told him the story of Jean. Remembering the incident after such a long time made me feel more guilty than ever and I decided I had to go back. Knowing what I would do, he asked me not to go back. He wanted me to forget it and be normal. I didn't feel like taking the burden anymore and I logged out, found Mom and told her what I planned to do.

Mom listened patiently to the mystery of that night after which I never did what I loved doing. Helping people in need was always my passion that died the night I returned. Now she knew the reason.
"Mom, I need to take her back." She agreed. We decided to leave right away.

Mom went into her room and was back with a bag, a Westside cover. She said, "Well, its been so long. How much of her would be left anyway?" I agreed. But I dreaded scooping the left over Jean into the bag and getting her back home to be transported. The saadhus always scared me.

So we boarded an auto from home and set out on the mission. The auto driver played old hindi songs on high volume and asked (really!) us to enjoy them. He then stopped at a house on the way and went inside saying it'll be a while. So as we waited. I got a message on my mobile, my 6600. 'Don't do it Jeev. Its not good. Let it go.' it said. It was from that chat friend. And this was irritating me more. I had to explain it to him why exactly I Need to do it. So I took out my notepad and started writing him a letter, explaining why I had to do it. After about two pages, I realised by the time I finish everything and post it and he gets the mail and reads it, pretty much everything that I planned would have happened. So I quit writing. And thought why I had to start writing at all? I got an answer. Typing such a long message on the mobile would be painstaking and reading a long message is not always a good feeling.

After that, I had nothing to do. I got bored and started experimenting with physics. While inside the auto, I bent forward slightly and inch by inch, the auto started moving forward, it was close to hitting a wall up ahead when I leaned back. Then it started moving backwards. When it almost reached its initial position, I stopped the fun. The auto driver was back and along with him was another woman.

She was to share the auto. She asked the auto driver to take the right and go to Kashinagar. I objected her saying we were the first in the auto and we had to be the first ones to be dropped off. The auto guy agreed and went straight while the lady mumbled about going all the way up and coming back to a place which is so close to begin with! I didn't care. I could see the mountain now. And I was thinking of all that I was supposed to do. The route seemed to be open in my mind. I just had to go and get what remained of her. It was again a dark evening and the forest on the mountain looked dark too.

This was around the time I heard a familiar voice. "Aren't you supposed to go to 4th block now?" I woke up to see my brother's back as he was on my computer, orkutting.

PS: Weird dream? Yes.
PPS: Real weird dream? Oh yes!
PPPS: I can associate every line in the blog to what happened recently. Well except the saadhu part and the testing physics part.

We live in the 'What the Eff' Times

Every single day nowadays begins with me thinking, 'What the Eff!'

Be it early morning newspaper, or MTV wassup (yeah!), or the news channel that my dad loves more than his shaver, or an official mail with new policies. Its 'What the Eff' all the way. 

The world is plotting against me. Everyone's trying to make our lives a hellhole. I don't like taking orders, don't like being told what I should and should not do. We were all born with brains and we do have the capability to think and do what we know is best for us. 

What the hell does the government or any other no good, low life, good-only-for-saving-his-ass creep have to do with my life and the way I lead it? 

Indian culture, they say. Oh I know Indian culture, its treating women as a show piece. "My girl, My daughter, My wife, oh they are good. I provide them enough to keep them happy and healthy. And I do it better than You. Oh yeah, you wouldn't know cos it happens behind closed doors, I also take my hard day's frustration out on them when I can. And I still do it better than You."

After centuries of struggle, women were given the rights equal to men. We were taught in school that we were nothing less than them. How easily fooled we were! We are not to do all of whatever the men do. Its their right to think. Its their right to travel, go places. And a few of them are reserved exclusively for them. Pubs!! How could a woman, a girl think of entering a place where the men go to relax. Having a good time, destressing after a hard day's work, having fun are meant only for men. As long as they are the only ones getting these, all's well. The boat is on peaceful waters and its all going smooth. 

The women need to be inside the doors, where they are meant to be. The fun they would have is different. Cooking, cleaning, washing, scrubbing, watering the plants, grocery shopping, keeping the house intact, making it simpler for the man to relax at home too, prepare tasty food with no faults in it and stay content with all this. Come on, what more could a woman want.

But when this age old myth is tried to be broken, when the new age of youngsters do the things that defies the whole Indian culture, we form mobs. The Titanic is sinking. Women have to go first! And those mobs go ahead beating, insulting, mistreating the women. Oh they deserve it for trying to get a life beyond work/books/kids/home making. The mobs do their jobs beautifully. Even if anyone asks them what was going on, why all the non-violence in the peace loving country, they have an answer. Drugs. The girls were doing drugs. Oh they were also holding hands with guys. And they weren't married. It is against our Indian culture to make friends, love each other, to hold hands. 

I heard this yesterday. Some such mob is to go around the city (not sure which one) in a rath (chariot!), see what the young boys and girls are doing with their lives. And if what they see is what their retarded minds don't want to see, if they find any hand holding, walking together, or even being friendly with the other gender, the couple will be brought into the rath and will be married in it. If by any chance they deny the dirty relationship that they are in and don't want to get married, the girl will be made to tie a rakhi to the guy's hand, on the spot! (Rakhi used as a threat was something I thought I would never hear!) I found it pretty funny the first time I heard it, the stupidity of any dal or khichdi or any group of people that think they rule the world was laughable and then it sounded ridiculous. 

And then comes the dress code. What is it with everyone trying to dress us up? Do they think they have a more superior taste in clothing? When did they become the fashion gurus? The hem skirt should not go higher than the knee. If the skirt has a slit, that too must not go higher than the knee. Wear a shawl over sleeveless clothing. Will we be asked to do all of this Everywhere in a few days? Better yet, will they provide us all with uniforms so that we don't have any chances of violating anything and may be they can introduce the cool number badges on them so that we are easier to identify and keep track of? We cannot tolerate the Dress culture.

May be later they would say western food is making our youngsters forget what it is to eat Indian. We cannot tolerate the food culture. Pizzas, pastas and sushie will have to go. May be they'll provide us with food too. They'll probably have to form queues to control us. 

Western movies/TV serials are making our youngsters not wanting to watch the  Indian ones. We cannot tolerate the TV/Movie culture. Let us ban this too. Provide with a one channel to all TVs and one movie for all theaters. Multiplex culture is ruining the young minds too.

I always wondered how prison life would be. How it would feel to be deprived of freedom to do anything that you please, to be anyone that you want! Well, we are almost there. I'll finally get to know it. 

Thank you very much Moral police!

His last day at life

How will you know this is the last day of your life? Will you see a special light around you? Will you see yourself sad, not knowing what reason? Will you be excited or will it all be just the same?

He didn't know what happened. He had gone to bed with the same thoughts that he always went to bed with. He felt nothing. He even stopped feeling that he was the biggest loser on the planet. He just didn't care anymore. He took life in a "Whatever!" mode.

But this morning when he got up, he was feeling very "OKAY". Yes, he was fascinated by the sink in his bathroom. It looked very lively. He always thought it to be a dead thing. He also noted the guy staring back at him from the mirror. Randy was a handsome man today. 

He walked out of the dump he came to know as house at 7 AM. He had never gone anywhere before 11 in the past few months. He lost his job, he lost what he considered the love of his life and his best friend had cheated him. He was by all means possible, a loser. He had lived in the basement of an old almost abandoned factory since when he could make the owner of the place, one of his old neighbours, understand that he would act as a security to the place in case of an emergency and would stay out of the way when there was serious work to be done.

Without knowing what he was doing, or where he was going, today, he walked on towards the park. He sat at a chair nearby and watched the crowd stroll by and smiled how they walked round and round the same patch of land in front of him. He had done that a long time back in his life and spent most of it doing the same over any over again till deception, and cruelty stole away what was left of his life. He did not think about all this today. He was watching a group of kids play ball. The little girl in the pink frock looked like a Barbie doll and looked very much like the boss for the day. She gave the rest of the kids the exact positions where to sit and even gave a visual demonstration of how to catch the brightly colored ball to some who seemed not so good at it. The kids, all of them, looked older that her and yet were behaving exactly as she asked them to.

He watched the game till the kids were lead away by their parents, by which time there were two of them crying. As the little Barbie was carried away, he waved her good-bye and she did the same. She also threw in a flying kiss. He felt happiness in and around him. 

He had no need to eat. Breakfast was such a waste of time. What he needed was a long walk, a different walk this time. 

He walked towards the road that they had always taken. For 3 years he had walked on every stone on this road. Always he held her hands in his and always he dropped her home. They used to eat her favorite ice-cream ("Anything with lots of chocolate on it") and always shared it and went for another round after that. This time, he saw the trees clearly. The color green seemed very pleasant to him. A stray dog walked with him for some distance and he did not notice the ice-cream shop.

In time, he reached the place where they would meet always in the morning before they boarded the bus together. It was one of the corners where the two roads met to form a long cross. That was where it had ended that day, a year and a half back. It was a weekend and he had told her his decision. It did not include her. She was to be gone after that. She broke down on the road that day. She dropped down on the pavement and sobbed as she hid her face. He did nothing but walk away without another look at her. He was never able to see her tears. He had considered them a personal insult to him. That day, the insult was for her. Now as he crossed that corner, he watched a little boy covered in grease all over in the automobile repairs shop fixing a puncture. The guy who looked like he owned the bike that was getting the fix done was telling him the tale of his punctured tyre to which the boy was nodding and laughing heartily.

He continued his presently very useless and very satisfying walk. He was now in front of a 5 storied building inside which once lived his best friend. They were an amazing team who would come up with brand new ideas that were great and most importantly worked and created a huge impact on everyone. Where they worked, they were the stars. Atul and Randy were always appreciated and were in the same sentence. Close to a year back, the brilliant friendship abruptly ended when he was cheated off their dream project over which he had worked day and night for 6 months while Atul went off on the super-secret vacations with super-secret partners. It did not bother him much till a point where it went absolutely unbearable and he had to give Atul a strict disciplinarian lecture. It was fine a few days. It went all crazy in a few days. After spending the nights and days in the office, on the day of the final showdown, Atul somehow managed to take all the credit and left him with nothing.

He had got the big job and the big house. A few days later, they had found that one of their previous projects together was a stolen one from one of the popular websites that was generally restricted. On a more keener look, they found 3 more that were stolen the same way. Atul denied all of the charges. He was just asked a few customary questions as he was backed by the big guys. Randy had to spend time in the jail for 5 months and lost his job. His choices about life were wrong. He did not care anymore. He just wanted to get over with it.

He felt the cool breeze as he walked by. He did not remember a thing from his past now. He smelt the coffee aroma from the nearest coffee bean shop. He was ready to go the distance now. 

It was almost an hour later that he reached his old apartment. He had stayed alone all his life in the city and liked it. He was still alone. The sun burnt his skin as he sat on a bench nearby, facing the apartment. It was a bright day. He looked down at his feet and saw how ragged his shoes were. The big hole in the side of the left one looked like some country that he didn't feel the need to remember. He rested his back and got more comfortable. He closed his eyes and tried to see what he felt. 

He woke up as a bike grunted by. The sun was much lower now. He tried to recall what he was doing and he remembered what he had seen before he went into a dreamless nap. He had seen a plain white surface, like a paper on which an artist would paint. He saw brightness. He saw a blank space. He felt nothing. He realised he felt nothing. He had no joy or sorrow left in him. May be it meant he had to start afresh. He heard the buzz of a bee near his ear. He had to get going now. It was time.

Later that evening, he was found dead near the lamp post few blocks away from his old apartment. Nobody knew what hit him. No one cared. He did not bleed. It was a strong violent head injury. He forever smiled at the blue sky as he lay there with his eyes open. He felt nothing. He was free.

Trip to Kemmangundi

After reading so many blogs on so many different trip to Kemmangundi, its time I write one.

It all started when some of us started discussing how long it had been since we had seen each other. The last time was on my birthday half a year back! After much discussion on the place and much addition and deletion, we concluded the trip will be to Kemmangundi and nearby places during the 12th-13th weekend in April and the count had come down to 6 boys and 6 girls. Most of us would meet each other for the first time!

On that memorable day, two of us set out from office with the huge back-packs standing almost the whole way, getting refreshed at a friends place and off to meet the others near Pavithra Paradise, Basaveshwar Nagar; thats where we were to board our TT! When everyone arrived and ready to go, we had a really late dinner and went on the road to Kemmangundi.

En-route some of the tired souls wanted to sleep and some of the more enthusiastic ones didn't. The result was of course, we stayed up almost till 3am playing, well... what do you know, "truth or dare"! Baring our inner-most secrets, we spent time shouting and enjoying all the embarrassment caused. At last we got a little too tired to go on, and a little to cold to stay without shivering, so we called it a night and slept... or atleast tried to. The excitement was really high as we reached the top of the mountain in Kemmangundi. Our target was the forest guest house and it was nowhere to be seen!

Atlast at around 6 in the morning, we reached the place and found it so breath taking, as though someone had punched you hard in your stomach!


















The Forest guest house itself was so neatly placed in such a picturesque location that we could only imagine what the other places that we had planned to visit later will be like! After a hearty meal, we set out to our first spot, Baba Budengiri Hills. We also had a local guide, Raghu with us who later stayed with us the whole trip and gave us the unforgettable experience. On the way, we found a spot for getting shot more and continued the journey.



We played Dumb Charades on the way. A lot of cheating was underway! And then, at the right time, we reached!
BB Hills as it was, didn't impress me. But the surrounding hills and the beautiful landscape below were very much "wow!".



Hence, this called for some exploring of the surroundings and some climbings. Of course, not all of us were ready for it! Few set out to reach the top-most point in the pretty picture and succeeded! Few others (including me) were not allowed to go there after being said "They are just dumb to do so. Lets just sit here!" After all of us reached "ground" again, we set out to go to the next destination, Mullayanagiri hills. Most of our mobiles had lost their charge by this time (there was no power in the forest guest house!).

Mullayanagiri hills is the top-most point in the whole of Karnataka. Its about 6400+ feet above sea level.


We were enough charged to even count the number of steps it took for us to reach the top. It was 494. In all, it was around 1000 to and fro! A few girls, me one of them, reached the top fast and started exploring and waiting while the others went to the peak. The local people (atleast that is what I think they were), were there all around, commenting and staring. That switched off the charged up mood for all of us and we started the slow descend towards the bottom of the hill while some people had "a bet with self" to race down the 500 steps! We found some really cute donkeys there!


From there, we started for the Guest house again. We had a full fledged lunch with tasty chicken and everything! After a short rest, we set out to watch the sunset.

We went to the Z-point. It seems the road (where Krishna Raja Wodeyar rode his horse sometime!) looks like a huge 'Z'. After much hiking, we reached Shanthi Falls, a cute little water fall. Further up-above, we reached a peak where we got to see one of the most beautiful sunsets ever!


After a million more pics taken, (I never knew Titanic was still so famous! :P) we started our trek down the hill. It was scarier and a little more dangerous because of the reducing light and well, we could easily tumble down now (and sing a nice Jack n Jill rhyme!)!


We went back to the guest house all tired and desperately needing a bed to rest on. The guys left for their little trip to get their "stuff"! That left us girls in the big place. We went exploring in the dark, made friends with a cute little cat and a cute dog.

Back at the Guest house, the guys returned after a while and we all started discussing plans for the next day while the caretaker of the guest house prepared for the camp fire! It was great cold night to be sitting wrapped in a warm shawl in front of fire and feeling wonderfully careless! We woke up the already sleeping people and after sometime, went to sleep!

For anyone who is not my Mom: After dinner I wanted to sit out and continue with the fun, but then, the state I saw the guys when I opened the front door, each yelling "Hey, I am coming to Your company next weekend." "Hey, Jeeev! Baaro!" and likewise, I thought it was better to leave them alone! I told them good night, and went to a good sleep! Oh don't get me wrong, they were all gem of guys!

Next day I was shaken awake by Maddy at 6:55am! We all had no plans to take bath yet, just the basic brushing your teeth and stuff followed by breakfast. We soon after that and reached a spot from where our 5 kms trekking was to start. Due to some problems, the trek was delayed.


When finally all was fine, we went ahead and started the walk. It was thankfully downhill all the way. So down that you could slide from your end and probably reach the other end in 15mins, in the process breaking all the bones in your body!

After a while, it was all girls walking ahead and the guys no where to be seen! Being the well wisher that I am, I went back to get them all in the proper route (right! as if I was the expert there!!). Now that I was the only one there, we began our own little games, you know, the general time-pass ones where one asks what you think of everyone else, putting the "one" last! (hmmm... wonder why!!). I got the opinions of the other about me too, they were quite good (if I ignore the one negative comment!)!

One little dose of glucose, and we were all again ready to go. By this time, it felt like we walked our entire lives till now!

We reached a beautiful set of trees all lined up as if in the Independence day parade! We had to go through them and nothing seemed more difficult.


Of course, the tree lizard was an added pressure! Some of us didn't know of their existence... shhhh!!!
Finally we reached the Hebbe falls. That was the destination of this extra long trek. It was around 8 kms!

The sight was gorgeous! We were all so excited to get into the water that none of us bothered much about our belongings! Most of us fell. I broke my leg. We had great fun.



We also saw a water snake before getting in. Later pretended we were just imagining things! No one got bitten. Although I almost drowned (how could I forget swimming!). The water force was amazingly fierce. The result was 2 hours of solid, er... liquid fun!

After changing (don't ask!), we left the place with a heavy heart and heavier back packs with all the wet clothes. The ride in the Jeep was bumpy, crowded and fun! This was the start of the headache!

We went back to our rooms and had a nice long bath (I lost a belt!). Some of us had to sort of walk outside the bath room and straight into the TT. Those of us were not very happy and maintained the grumpiness for sometime.

Next stop, Kalhatgiri Falls. Was an interesting ride. Again some "truth or dare"!
And, finally we reached. We trekked a lot to find a nice spot to sit!


I guess we didn't go all the way! But was enough fun for the day.
We then set out for Bangalore. We again started our little games. One of which included Elisha Cuthbert! Cheaters all of them! Er.. whoever is not in my team!

Late dinner again, and reached home at 1:30am!
A wonderful journey worth remembering. I hope I did enough justice to the same!

Valentine's???

Life always seems unfair.... of course thats when you see it in the negative point of view...
There are always more than one way of seeing things. Some people constantly see them in the negative light that would make life seem more unfair than it really is!

Valentine's Day on the way now... Preparations to "woo" the one you Love would be taking place with an increasingly high pace! Nothing should go wrong... Thats what you would want...

And some people just sit back and watch. One of them being me! Its more interesting to be the 'watcher' than being the 'watched'. For once, you will have many more choices. Off late, I see more couples than usual. More people holding hands, walking in a sweet pace, charming words being said, more giggles, people spending a lot more time with each other than necessary. May be I see them only because of the change in season and the temperature around. Yeah, the Love fever is on a high!


Things that I read also seem to have changed in their mood. I see that I am not the only one who is seeing and sensing the change! There are a lot many unfortunate(!) ones around and most waiting for Cupid to strike anytime. There is a weird curiosity around. Even the ones who are apparently "single" starting to look at V day gifts for their probables (only if the need arises, they say)! Well, life is unpredictable... you never know what would happen next time you answer that call or take that bus or go to that gym or enter that lift. People have started to live in their own dreams more than needed, and better yet, they talk about it as if they are discussing a recent team building trip to Ramanagaram. Its all getting too common.

Life is changing. Life is changing for good. And we have accepted the change. There seems nothing wrong in dedicating a day for the ones you Love... after all, no one is stopping you from expressing the feeling on the other 365 days (its a leap year).
You won't forget your Mother (the first form of Love), teacher (who taught everyone to be Loving and kind in a more dignified way), God (supposed creator of Love), Friends (who teach and spread and help spread Love in a wonderful personal way) and many other people and many other relationships or feelings, still, we seem to have a day dedicated to them. For me, V day isn't about just the one special person in your life that you feel "committed" to, but all the people that helped you realise the power and strength of that "divine" feeling.

I will have a V day, it probably won't have the special someone (you never know!) but it will definitely have some significance.


And whoever says its not our "tradition" can go and.... well... just go.
I would Love to dedicate a Lovely day to all the people I Love and probably will soon get to Love and I will Love every single Loving minute of the day when all the Love is given and the Love is received!


Have a Lovely Valentine's day!
May the Love live on....

When I'm gone...

I always wondered what death was...

I am one of those (I am not sure of this) 'lucky' ones who has never seen anyone who he/she loved, dead in front of them! No, not a funeral... nothing. I am scared. Yes, I am scared of death and the whole concept of someone leaving this world to go somewhere else. I am not sure if I want to go to that other world!

As a kid, I did not understand death. Even in the movies, I would be confused when I see the same guy alive when he was dead in the previous movie! I thought he was gone, how did he come back? Mom would say, "Its just a movie. He wasn't really dead! He was just acting!" "Ma, then why do people have to die? Why can't they just act? Why all the unnecessary drama? Why can't everything stay the same forever!"

I would never understand! Mom would try but nothing seemed to work! Everyone I saw die was alive in a few more days on the big screen! What was the whole point anyway?

Now that I think I have reached a stage where I feel like I know exactly what death is, I am amazed, shocked and more scared!

I was just browsing through some communities in one of the most popular socializing sites when I came across a community for a girl who was just a few more months older than me. She had passed away a few months back in 2007. It was a community that was a tribute to that girl who seemed very strong and caring person and a great friend. She was almost as old as me now when she passed away!

Life is unpredictable. It can end anytime between right now and forever! I know I crack jokes to hide my fear of 'The End'. I know I would always tell a friend "Its not like theres gonna be a meteor that would strike right now on top of this building!" "I know I will live a 110 years. I want to live longer but I don't want to make the grand old man/woman who has struggled a lot to have made that record of longest living person!"

This fear of death lead me not to say my final good-bye to a few really close people. I am ashamed of all that. And now, when I see that community, when I see how much this girl is missed by all her friends, the beautiful words describing what she was to them and how dearly she was remembered, some angry outbursts of a few friends, some just there.. present.. hoping somehow she would be back! If only my assumption was true! If only everyone could pretend death and be back in the next movie, but with the same friends around! If only...

When I die, I want to be remembered. Yes, that is what everyone would think. I just want everyone I know, everyone I have ever shared a smile with, shared a chat with, shared a thought, everyone who has ever known me as a friend, everyone to whom I meant something, everyone to be around me. I want to go to that 'mysterious beyond' with a bright smile and a thought that I was good, that I was going to be remembered too, that I have touched someone's life even if it lasted only for a few seconds or a few months or may be years.

And now when I see everything, I see that I am not perfect. I have to stop myself from being silly to a point when I sometimes feel I was hurtful! I need to change myself, I want to be remembered not for the hurt I caused the ones I love, but for what I feel deep down! Just because I don't say it, doesn't mean I don't love them all! For someone who considers life is worth nothing if there is no friend, for someone who doesn't see people for what they are, I don't have a mother, I don't have a brother, no uncle, no aunt (please don't assume things)! I see everyone as a friend. Some might mean a lot more to me than a few others. And some just there, to probably see when I need them, when I need to be taken care of. Some there so that I take care of them!

I feel utterly terrified at the thought of leaving them all at once. I always had a problem with 'Good Bye's. Every friend leaving me was painful... painful like it was a severe physical pain and an unbearable emotional one. The thought of so many good-byes at once, is devastating! I guess thats why they say death is painful!

I don't want to say Good Byes anymore. I wish I could pretend death. I wish I could make everyone around me pretend death too.
Death is the most horrible, most painful incident written is our lives.

Good Bye for now!